A few months ago I had my first panic attack. At least, I think that's what it was. I used to think that mental health was precise and orderly; that when there was something out of kilter it could be categorised, labelled and dealt with. Now I realise that it's all a bit less defined than that. People are complicated.
I was on the Tube in London. Lots of people dislike the Tube, I guess: it's crowded, hot and stuffy, a bit claustrophobic. But I went to school in London from the age of eleven and rode the Tube every day. I spent my teenage years on the Central and Piccadilly lines, going to meet my friends in Soho, enjoying child price tickets to the cinema and three courses for £5 at Dome (anyone remember Dome?). I have taken the journey from Liverpool Street to Notting Hill Gate literally hundreds of times. I have never been stuck underground. I have always made it to the end of my journey completely unscathed. So why was I standing in the all-too-familiar Tube train with dread in the pit of my stomach?
Friends have described panic attacks to me, and I always thought they were accompanied by shallow breathing, a racing heart rate and the feeling that you were having a heart attack. These symptoms sound horrendous and I've never experienced a panic attack in this way. But I was standing on the Tube counting the number of stops and trying to work out if I could make it to the end of my journey. Halfway through I said to my husband "I need to get off." So we did, walked up a lot of stairs and found ourselves outside, stranded in central London in the evening. I needed to get to a safe place - home - quickly, and the quickest way was by Tube. Eventually I psyched myself up and we got back on the Tube and home. Two days later I went to my doctor and asked for help. I now have medication which, while it doesn't take the fear away, does take the edge off it considerably, as well as putting me in a frame of mind where I'm better able to cope.
It's very frustrating to find that things which you used to do without thinking have now become so difficult. Visits to friends are overshadowed by anxious thoughts about how I will cope on the journey there, or the journey home. Although my usual instinct is to talk things through, I actually find it easier not to talk about my anxiety while I am going through it. Providing a running commentary makes it worse, as it brings to the fore things I am trying to push down and ignore. Recently I made the familiar journey along the Central line very easily on my own, blocking out thought by reading a book on my phone (I love the Kindle app) and practising deep breathing. The reading distracted me and the breathing calmed my body a little. I used to get very irritated by being told to breathe deeply, but it actually does help.
Yesterday I watched Inside Out, the latest film from Disney Pixar, and loved it. The five colourful characters in the picture represent the five emotions which govern each person - Joy, Disgust, Anger, Sadness and Fear. Joy colours all the happy memories, goofing around with Mum and Dad, hanging out with friends and so on. Disgust helps people avoid social embarrassment. Fear keeps people safe by pointing out dangerous situations. While the emotions reside within an eleven-year-old girl called Riley, the film is really about Joy and how she comes to understand why Sadness is important and has her own role to play. I could write about this film for hours (and probably will, so watch out for upcoming blog posts!). What I find interesting about the way this film relates to panic disorder is the notion that one emotion can come to dominate, whereas the whole range are needed in their proper place. In Riley, Joy has dominated, insisting that all core memories be joyful and always putting a positive spin on every situation. Joy has to learn that all the emotions have their place, including sadness, and that joy and sadness can be mixed.
Joy is very important to me too, being a particular feature of my personality type; I love to laugh loudly and to have fun often. However, in my head, it's Fear who is out of control, overreacting to situations which are not inherently dangerous and intruding on experiences which should be joyful. Fear has its place: we all need to have a healthy sense of fear in order to avoid being hit by cars, falling down manholes and burning ourselves while cooking. Fear is also a natural reaction to uncertainty about the future, particularly if that future might hold things which could test our ability to cope. Fear is important, but Fear needs to be put in his place.
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